Finding True Love... Is there a Socially Acceptable Way?

Be sure to check out this sultry tune from Lavay Smith & Her Red Hot Skillet Lickers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RXd9vj0uqk

Music by Mound City by Coleman Hawkins (recorded 1929)

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This podcast is recorded in a style that pays homage to talents like Miss Monitor (Tedi Thurman) and explores topics designed to stimulate conversations. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I want a little boy to call my own. He don't have to look like the picture in a story book.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

My name is the lovely Ray, and I was born and raised in the US. I currently have the opportunity to speak with people from all over the world.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Regular people, just like you. And I'm always fascinated by our cultural differences and similarity.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

This podcast is voiced in the style of the Sultry Sounding 1955 Weather Girl.

SPEAKER_03 0:46

It is a collection of thoughts inspired by my global conversations and aims to invite you to have those hard conversations out loud and with others. Thanks for stopping by, darlings. I'd love to chat. Welcome back, darlings. I recently found myself chatting with a friend and I was quite impressed because as we were just talking about the simplicity of moving home, it was revealed to me that she had been married for over 20 years, and I thought, oh, what a marvel, what bliss, what a rarity. And then I started to think about some of my other friends. Mind you, these are my older friends, but the people who met the one back when they were teens and some forty, fifty years later, we're still happily married. Or were only recently separated due to the death of one of them. Now my friends. However, this gal is not giving up hope on finding that special someone to have and hold. And no, he doesn't have to look like the pictures in a storybook. If that man can cook, it would suit me to a T. However, if he can't cook, that's fine too, as long as he's comfortable with my cooking. So those lyrics, mind you, come from a wonderful song called I Want a Little Boy that was performed by LeVay Smith and her Red Hot Skill Lickers back in 2000, or at least recorded then. And her song is a lovely adaptation of I Want a Little Girl, written by Billy Mole and Mori Mincher in 1930. That song has been covered by a lot of blues and jazz greats, including T Bow and Ray Charles. But when I heard LaVe sing that song, I have to say I felt weak in the knees, my heart sang, and I thought, oh yeah, this is where it's at.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Yeah. Where it's at.

SPEAKER_03 4:09

And yet, here I am wondering. As much as I love that song and the sentiments of that song, I do wonder, will I find my Mr. Wright out there somewhere not in a dating app? What happened to old fashioned dating when you went out and met someone? And then I find myself thinking, well hell, what is old-fashioned dating? I believe I might be romanticizing it just a little bit. Because you see, a lot of times meeting that perfect someone comes from either meeting someone through a friend, meeting someone at university, meeting someone back in high school, meeting someone at work. All of these wonderful places to meet someone. And yet in Western society, the ability to isolate yourself has increased exponentially over the past few years. And so this idea of meeting Mr. Wright, or perhaps in your case, Ms. Wright, might be a lot harder than it was for friends of ours some twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty years ago. I mean, hell, I met my husband when I was working in a bar, and yet I don't drink anymore, darling, so the idea of me going to a bar and meeting the love of my life is pretty slow. Now, to be fair, there's that trend of mocktails and fun social atmosphere that comes with just spending time enjoying the flavors of something cool and refreshing while being surrounded by good music and perhaps a little titillating conversation. And yet, I'm gonna be honest, I'm not likely to go out and enjoy mocktail anytime soon. For one, it does feel like a rather lonely experience when one does it itself. However, doing that with friends, well, there is a tendency just to focus on your friend, just to talk to your friend. And you might be saying, Ray, get on out there, mix it up, babe. That's what life is all about. And yet, ask yourself, when's the last time you went out to relax, to enjoy yourself for a night on the town, and actually put down your cell phone and talk to a stranger? Mmm. You see my point? Because when we feel shy or bored, hell, hungry or horny, oftentimes we pick up our cell phones and reach out to connect that way. I used to meet guys at concerts, at clubs, but I have to say I just don't venture out to those places anymore. How about you? Do you still go hit the clubs? Do you still go out to concerts? Has your taste changed? Or has the environment around you changed? I, for one, if I'm gonna go to a concert, darling, I want to be able to sit down when I feel tired. And I don't want to have to pay a lot of money for a seat just to have someone else stand in front of me. And I love dancing in the club, but I'm tired of sticky floors and sweaty bodies pushed up against me, unless, of course, those happen to be very sexy sweaty bodies, and then those bodies can be pushed up against me. I do not mind. Let's talk, baby. Hmm. Oh, it does seem so challenging, but does it need to be? Does it really need to be? I mean, I suppose one could dive into the world of dating apps. Many people do it, many people have done it, and many people have found a romantic success. After all, we can reduce some of that chit-chat by just cutting straight to the point. You wanna find someone to be a life partner, you wanna find someone who has the same religious goals as you do, you wanna find someone who's got money, or you wanna find someone who just wants to fuck. There's an app for that. And yet, uh I do detest dating feeling like a goddamn interview. I mean, after all, I want to get to know you and take my time to slowly discover the good and the not so great. Do we really have to be in a hurry? Do we really have to bear all of our dirty laundry on the first date? Perhaps I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm not looking to waste a whole lot of time. I mean, if you are a shit show and you know it, then maybe that should be revealed right up front. Hmm. I don't know, darling. What do you think? And you might be saying to yourself that you have indeed found the love of your life and you are quite content. And to you, my dear, I say bravo, I am so happy for you and I wanna know what's your secret? How'd you do it? You should write a book because I'll buy it. I'll read it, I'll devour it, I will lap it up. Hmm Every time I meet someone new and they tell me that they're married, I do inquire. So how did you meet? Hmm Now it's interesting when you see those YouTube videos or I should say I find it interesting when I see YouTube videos and someone's asking, How'd you meet? I guess this is a thing, this kind of meet cute story. And when it's a couple who says, Oh, well, actually it was arranged, there's this misconception that because a marriage was arranged, that of course it must have been forced, they must not really like each other, it must have been a horrific experience for both parties. But there are arranged marriages where both parties are quite content. And I do wonder if it started that way. I mean, of course, there would have been butterflies and nerves initially, but were either of the individuals saying yes to their betrothed only to find that they really did not want to get married. They really did not want to have to live with this person, get to love this person and know this person. And did we all just kind of grow on each other over time? The love develops. I don't know. I don't know. I guess for each person it's different, which makes sense. I mean, even with a non-arranged marriage, the ability for feelings to change over time is inevitable. And yet, I do love the idea of connecting with someone and waking up every day being just as in love as the first day. However, maybe one could say that on the first day there was an appreciation and likeness towards that person, maybe even adoration, and yet it wasn't love. Wouldn't that be fascinating? And so there's never really any disappointment because that person to wake up each day and to still appreciate them and be fond of them, perhaps maybe that's the dream, not this Disney intense head over heels love. Or maybe maybe the real goal is not love or appreciation or likeness, but ability to accept someone. And so maybe I'm not looking for a little boy to have and hold and to love. Maybe I'm looking for someone that I'm willing to accept completely. Do you accept your significant other completely if you are in a relationship, my darlings? Or maybe like me you are single. Maybe you're searching, maybe you're not. Decisions, decisions, and of course, goals. That in and of itself is a thing. While unwavering, everlasting love might seem to be an unrealistic goal or even not a goal at all for many couples. The idea that couples should agree on what their future goals are is something that is heavily supported, at least in Western society. I mean, if you're gonna say I do with the intention of not getting divorced, then you want to have an agreement on whether or not you're having kids and where on earth you want to live. Now, this is where things get tricky, my loves, because where you want to live when you are in your 20s might be very different than where you want to live or how you want to live when you're in your 40s. And of course, it'll all look different when you're in your 60s, in your 20s, living in a big city and being part of the nightlife and action may feel great. But then once kids are in the picture, one might say, Hey, I don't think I want my kids growing up in this city. It's a little dangerous. I want them to have a yard to play in. I want them to be able to climb trees and swim in rivers, while the other person might say, I grew up in the city and I turned out just fine. I want our kids to be tough. I want them to understand what it means to be a part of a bustling environment. And I want our kids to be able to be surrounded by different cultures. Those are in and of itself important experiences. It's not just climbing trees and running around in the backyard. We can take them to Central Park for them. And so the disagreements on what the future holds can start to arise. Now, not every couple wants kids. And yet, when one person gets a raise or a job offer that would take the couple from where they have always been and what they know, this in and of itself can also become a well a sticking point. And so while it is not easy to find the perfect match, it's also not easy to stay together, to enjoy the changes that you both will go through. I know from personal experience that the physical changes were something that both myself and my former partners struggled with. And I went into the whole situation with eyes open, reminding myself that we all change. We talked about this multiple times before tying the knot, and yet I think the reality was something very different. And then I think of those partners who push their loved one to lose some weight, you'll feel better. You should work out more, you'll feel better. You know you're happier when you don't look that way or when you're able to dress a certain way. Is that wrong? I mean, it's words of encouragement, it's supporting what we believe our partner wants, and yet on the other end, are we not also screaming on the inside, accept me for who I am right now, if I am 30 pounds overweight? Shouldn't you love me the same as you did 20 years ago?

SPEAKER_00 19:03

Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

Oh. Decisions, decisions. Maybe we should all go back to the olden days when marriage had nothing to do with love per se, but it was more just about hey, I've got some land, you've got some land, let's put our land together. I've got some money, you need some money, and I like your title. And so let's get married. You'll have access to my money, I'll have access to your social class, and we'll all be very happy for it. I do wonder. I do wonder. Oh, lovelies. I will be embarking on a long drive in a couple of days. And when I go on long drives, I love to listen to podcasts. I love to have that voice in the car with me. Music is great. Music, I'll sing along, I'll shoo up beepop. And yet sometimes it seems like, oh, I can't take another song. I can't take singing more out loud. I mean, back when I was a teenager, I could listen to the same album over and over, the same song over and over. I would easily memorize those lyrics. That was the thing to do. Perhaps it is the fact that we've had some, I don't know, what, 10, 20 years of smartphones and social media that has allowed the brain to say, ooh, I think I need to change a lot sooner. I do wonder if that desire for change, the increased desire for change, has had any correlation or contribution to the number of divorces in Western society. I wonder, has anyone done an experiment on this? I hope so. And if so, I want to know about it because I do find it rather fascinating. Have we all just become increasingly impatient? Increasingly eager to change things up for another dopamine hit? Is that why some marriages don't last? It's just not exciting anymore. Just want to find something else that moves me in a different way. Or is it rather a matter of the fact that we all change and want to be moved in a different way? Oh, so much to think about. Well, I'll be driving along with. Of my favorite podcast. I do hope that you find this podcast as something to entertain you throughout your adventures, whether it's right before you go to bed or a little evening window after dinner, as you get up in the morning and get ready for the things that you do or an amusing moment on your commute to work. Hmm. Yeah. I must confess that. I recently had an opportunity to listen to this podcast in my own car just to see what it sounds like. How's the audio coming through? Am I coming through clearly? Am I being effective in my choice of words? Am I resonating? Am I landing? And so I am working to make sure that the auto quality is better for you, my dear listener. Because even though I haven't found my perfect match in terms of a romantic paramour, I found you. And I do have to say that our ability to chat about these little things has helped me immensely because it allows me to extend the conversation and take the conversation to others and to just keep things flowing. And I hope it sparks a little fire in you and allows you to step through your day and to have a conversation with someone else about the things we chat about. And if anything, if you find yourself in a position where you are not able to verbally say to someone else, hey, so why are we married? Why have we been doing this? What brought me to you? What brought you to me? And why are we still here? If you're not able to just casually have that conversation without it leading to arguments and fights and screaming, then, darlings, perhaps you can ask yourself these questions privately. And no one has to be the wiser. Isn't thinking lovely? Ah, I do believe it is. There are so many people out there who simply can't think for themselves, don't think for themselves, don't want to think for themselves, and let other people make the decisions for them. And in turn find themselves displeased with some of the decisions being made. Just take a look at American politics right now. Lots of people did not make decisions or made a decision in which they said, I'm not voting. I don't do that voting thing. No one's helping me. And then they look out and go, Oh my, there is so much going on right now that displeases me. Using their lack of voting and the results of their lack of voting as a way to justify the injustices that surround them. See? See what happens. I knew it was gonna be a shit show. I knew there was gonna be problems. This is why I did not participate. This is why I never participate. This is why I tell others not to participate. Mmm, yes. It's interesting how we find things to support our preconceived notions. And so I guess that's why so many of us love a good rom-com or Disney movie. It's information to solidify, justify, and affirm our preconceived notions. And so my loves, I hope you found this somewhat entertaining because I, for one, certainly did. And I am feeling all aflutter just thinking about how I'll find Mr Wright. Maybe it'll be through an app, or maybe at a mock tow bar, or maybe through a casual chat on a train, headed to who knows where just casually speaking with a stranger, keeping my ears open, listening with interest and curiosity, being eager to know more, being willing to explore, to dive into their ideas, to share my own, to be vulnerable and expose and accepting. Well, darlings, I have some other lovely tidbits I'd love to share in terms of the world of connecting and dating, but I'll save that for our next chat.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

So until next time it's clap for our next chats.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

Do note that if you happen to be in a position where you're able to go to the show notes, I invite you to click on the link to LeVay Smith's song I Want a Little Boy. Oh, I hope it pleases you as much as it's pleased me. Until next time, darling, it's been lovely to chat.